A couple of weeks ago I met this girl (I don’t know if I should call her a girl!). she had a voice like Jeff Koinange closely resembling Johnstone Mwakazi, her English was as bad as Ferdinard (I didn’t mention Waititu) like I was telling her how cute she was and she replied me with a “YES I ARE” I was almost running as if my ass had caught fire were it not for the cheap liquor I had had.
These are the kind of situations that makes me want to be Donald Trump, I pretend to be smiling at her, you know that kind of smile that I do give to ladies who sits beside me in a matatu when the conductor is collecting fares expecting me to pay for her, this girl says one thousand words per sixty seconds, I even told her she would have made a good Cortana (that app that talks as if its ancestors were bewitched with a talking spell)
Then there are her lies, this girl lies better than Adam and Eve, there is this lie she told me that made me know that I was never and will never be a good liar, I know you are wondering how many times I have lied. There was this time I was living with my grandmother, and you all know the grandmother’s lifestyle, the yellow sweet potatoes, they were steaming in the pot and a voice told me “ Tobby just have a look, only a look and just leave the way you do “left” the groups when you or on bundles dry spell and the neighbor’s WIFI password was changed to a long word that you had just forgotten “ nikishuntantaraaa’’ , so I had a look and found that the adrenaline in my hand had already flown at the velocity of sixty six micromillimiter per square second and picked the sweet potato and swallowed it whole, I started seeing stars like a teen who had just had his first experience with weed. My face was filled with a network of veins like those crazy vampires I do watch on vampire diaries, my grandmother walked into the kitchen and found me struggling to breathe. I gave her that look that Kinjikitile Ngwale gave to his crazy Tanzanian fellows.
“Tobayaas , what is wrong with you.” She asked me in a squeaky voice, I told her that I was crying because Jesus had fed five thousand people and I was not there and to make it worse twelve baskets remained, my grandmother knew that I was a glutton and she understood me and that how I escaped that scene. So back to this girl, she was telling me how she was with her boyfriend and they had just “bablassd” and they were now resting on the bed telling unimaginable stories, she farted and pretended to have gassed out, eeh , there are three things I hate , paying my mshwari loan, drinking a bottle of Hennessey with Cyril Tedd only to realise that we are 250 shillings less the price and to make it worse we are on Mshwari blacklist and the last thing that I hate is farting, I hate people who fart , even I , I hate it when I fart.
What made me “left”, was her ringtone , the tibiiim anthem, who on earth will put that kind of ringtone and to make it worse the type of phone she was having, I fucking hate Taiwan phones and when I speak about Taiwan phones I mean G-tide, I did not mention infinix.
I know I have been away for long, but am back , those who asked where I had been like Michael Mbugua, Otieno Kamau ,Tracy Bravo and Ondiek don’t worry no more because am back with a lot of lwam and bekeles and beware of cholera outbreak considering you all have wild appetites.
Comments
Post a Comment